Understanding My Human Suffering

I am sure many of you ask these questions; How can a God that loves so much cause His people to suffer? To feel pain? To feel lonely, depressed, and afraid? For some people, suffering and setbacks in life lead them away from God. They find that God is trying to punish them or they feel that God loves them "less" than everyone else. It is easy to feel upset and frustrated with God when He doesn't answer the prayers we prayed for or helped heal, protect, or save the people we love. While it may seem that God abandons us during these times of darkness, I believe that He manifests Himself in a different way.

All of my life I thought God was punishing me for being a bad person. Even though I prayed to Jesus all the time, and loved Him so much, I started to began to think that He didn't listen to me or care for me. When I was in 3rd grade, I realized that I didn't really fit in with the rest of my peers. I struggled with friendships all the way until my senior year of high school. I never felt "good" enough, "cool" enough, or accepted among my peers. I constantly battled the popularity battle field, only to be trampled and beat to the ground. My self esteem dwindled away and no longer served as my shield of protection. Throughout the same time frame, I battle with a lot of deaths, depression, and suicide. I had many tragic deaths in the family, which ironically drew me closer to God. Somewhere along the path though, I began to wonder away from the Lord. I was tired of praying to Him for help and tired of trying to please Him. It wasn't like He listened to my prayers anyways. As I wondered away from Him, a huge cloud of guilt began to build up over me. It shadowed my path and fogged up my ability to function normally.

My eating disorder skyrocketed during the summer between my sophomore and junior year; my disorder served as a punishment to myself for the “sinful” and “bad” person I had become. I completely despised myself, and thought I could renew myself by constructing a completely new person. My mental state become very skewed during this time, and I lost touch with reality. It was like I was living in a dark well all by myself. Friends tried to pull me out by throwing me ropes, but I resisted coming out of the water I was drowning in. I felt safe in my well and in the routine of my newly constructed self. I shut out every relationship in my life and dove deep into my own self.

It was during the lowest parts of my eating disorder that I really felt God in my life. I actually loved going to church by myself; I felt God speaking to me through every song, every prayer, and every scripture. Tears often filled my eyes as I listened to God speak to my heart. I started to grow close to my mom during this period in my life as she tried to pull my out of the pool I was drowning in; she was my rock to which I could step upon for support and continued to guide me back to myself by comforting me when I felt alone, scared, or weak.

My recovery from Anorexia was a journey of rediscovering myself, my relationship with Christ, and my purpose in the world. I do not look at my disorder as something to be feared or ashamed, but find it a growing experience in my life that needs to be shared with others. I am able to help others relate to not be ashamed of their own dark experiences. I also find that people are more inclined to open up to the reality of their experiences and to share in our human connection at a deeper level. My battles with depression and anorexia have led me on a path towards helping others that struggle with these disorders, and I have chosen to study psychology and dietetics throughout my college education for this sole purpose.


I no longer view my suffering as something God was trying to punish me for and do not regret the mistakes I have made; these were all opportunities for me to learn more about myself and my relationship with God. I see my suffering as a blessing and a calling to break my heart open to let God into my life. With suffering, I can choose to walk by faith and internalize my experiences or I can take the easy way out by skimming the surface. When I allow myself to dive in and understand the meaning of the darkness, I move myself closer to my vocation and relationship with God. The people that have been a part of my journey have either been there to guide me back on my path, or have been walking beside me holding my hand. I see the people that have tried to lead me astray on my journey as people placed there by God for me to hold their hand and be the role model. I believe that it is part of God’s plan for me to reach out to those that need new directions on their spiritual journey.