God speaks again to me today through my own actions, my own words, and my own past. As I sit her trying to write a 6 page(that is probably going to be 10 pages)theology paper about the my spiritual journey, my life is starting to make total and complete sense to me.
God has revealed his plan for me through my own life story.
Ever since my birth, I have been destine to be on a journey of faith. My parents had originally planned to name me Maggie, but upon my entry into the world, my parents decided that Kristina would be a more fitting name for me. It was a “God thing” that they gave me a name that so closely resembles the journey my life has unfolded to prevail and a name that identifies who I really am. Kristina means “Follower of Christ,” and my life story has amplified my relationship with God.
I have always been in a faith-filled life and have been rooted in the traditions of Christianity.I was always kind of a different kid growing up. I thought a lot about life, about other people, and about God. When I was a young child, I remember having deep thoughts that elementary school kids don’t usually think about. I had a hard time grasping the complexity of human beings, especially how we think and behave. I couldn’t believe that there was nothing inside of my head except for me; I really tried to understand who I was and who was inside of me controlling the thoughts and emotions I felt. I always wondered about my existence, what things did I see or feel before I was born, and the plans God had for me over the rest of my life. It was during these early periods of reflection that I truly became awed by God’s greatness.
Throughout the next few chapters of my life, my relationship with God grew stronger as I was faced with a new complexity of life- death. From a young age, I had been faced with the reality of death. I couldn't understand why God would let people die,especially the people I loved so much and prayed so much for. My cousin died when I was in 3rd grade, and I was still to young to understand the meaning of his death. I just remember being sad and trying to make sense of everything that was happening. A year later, my grandpa started to get sick from his cancer, and I would pray continuously for his health and for the doctors to cure him. I began to establish a pattern of guilt and obsessive compulsion as I tried to save his life; I would tell myself I had so long to complete a task and thought that if I didn't do it in a certain time something bad would happen. My grandpa died when I was fifth grade, and I remember being frustrated with God for not listening to my many prayers.
Over the next few years, my depression really started to kick in as I continually felt left out among my peers. My self esteem weakened and I tried to change who I was so that I could fit in. I lost a lot of weight and actually was as small as my friends for once in my life (I was always a bigger kid). I became fixated with death, and actually thought about my own death. I wondered if anyone would even miss me if I wasn't alive. It was after a youth group event at my church that I found a reason to live and felt shameful for ever thinking about my death. It was this quote that I jotted down in my diary to remind me to keep fighting,
“stop and consider if there is any sorrow like my sorrow" -Jesus.
I was determined to continue hanging on to life, to start seeing my suffering as small in comparison to the suffering Jesus had gone through for our sins. It seemed that my life was continuing back up a hill towards brighter days. My diary entries began to sound more uplifting and I think it was at this time God revealed something to me and wrote my trip to Haiti on my heart.
On March 20,2003 I wrote in my diary,
"What is coming to this world! Diary, I want to make a difference in this world!I want to be remembered like Gandhi, like Martin Luther King JR, like Rosa Parks, and all those people that make a difference. I want to be like Mother Teresa. I want to help the poor!..I am going to go to poor countries and I am going to bring them food, water, and clothes. I am going to bring seeds and gardening supplies and teach them to make their own food. It's kind of like what Jesus said to do-help them so that they can eventually help themselves."..... "I want to be a role model. I want to change peoples' lives! Also, I want to be a disciple of Jesus!"
I end the entry with " I really hope my dream comes true."
Well, my life took another rock bottom hit for the next few chapters of my life and I completely dove off into the deep end. My 18 year old cousin died in a car accident my freshman year of high school, and this had a huge impact on my life. Once again God was placing death at my doorstep. I couldn't understand why he continually took away those people that I loved and what the purpose was for all this. My faith grew stronger around the time of her death, but a year later I slipped into deep depression as I started to realize I had wondered off on the wrong path trying to be someone I wasn't. I was more depressed then I had ever been and that is when my eating disorder fired in my life.
It was during the lowest parts of my eating disorder that I really felt GOD in my life. I LOVED going to church by myself and feeling God speak to me through every song, every prayer, and every scripture. Tears often filled my eyes as I listened to God in my heart. I started to grow close to my mom during this period in my life as she tried to pull my out of the pool I was drowning in. She helped me to continue back on path by being with me whenever I felt alone, scared, or weak.
Since these low parts in my life, I still have slipped down the slope but I have yet to hit ROCK bottom again. I think God has had His hand on my back, pushing me along, and continually directing me into the direction I need to go. There have been times along my path that I have wondered astray from Him, but I feel in disconnect with myself when these times happen and am able to correct them.
I thank God for the strength He has given me along my journey. I give Him thanks for the many people along my journey that have protected me, guided me on my journey, and have saved me. I give Him all the Glory for the prayers He has answered, and I still am trying to figure out some of those unanswered ones. No longer shall I wonder astray, but will continue to Trust and Listen for God knows the plans He has for me.
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