"Your ways our not my ways" Isaiah 55:8

Wow, what a difficult past two weeks. So many things just seemed to go wrong. Difficulty with my research, burnt my hand on a hot pan, lack of sleep and being behind in nearly everything from school to relationships, broke the space bar on my computer... and now having trouble with my typing and creating way too many typos. The list goes on.. and on.. and on.. and While I let myself get caught up in these little details and let them weigh me down, I lost sight of the meaning of these events. Yeah, these things aren't MAJOR mishaps like not getting into an educational program or making a sports team, nor are they life threatening events or tragedies, but all while they were happening I kept asking God what these things meant-- why was I having such an "off" couple days. After stepping out of my problems, going to a spiritual worship group, and reading a few faith-filled books, I began to grasp a sense of why we have "tough" days or "off" days. WE ARE HUMAN. I was reminded of my humanity through all these little upsettings and frustrations. I am not perfect, nor while I ever be. And even though I try to strive to be the best that I can be, I am always going to have set backs, disappointments, and failures. I have limitations, even of the things I think are my strengths. I am never going to be a super Human, and I can never be independent of God. Offering my limitations, fears, and upsettings to God allows me to grow stronger in relationship with Him. It allows me the chance to reflect upon my humanity and to see myself not as superior to the rest of my nature, but as one. All my limitations were a kind reminder to me that even my strengths and the good deeds that I do should not be things I boast myself in or hold as pride for myself-- I owe all these things to God. For in my relationship with God, I am able to let His love pour out through me and spread it vast like wild fire to His people. All glory goes to God for He is above all else.

Understanding My Human Suffering

I am sure many of you ask these questions; How can a God that loves so much cause His people to suffer? To feel pain? To feel lonely, depressed, and afraid? For some people, suffering and setbacks in life lead them away from God. They find that God is trying to punish them or they feel that God loves them "less" than everyone else. It is easy to feel upset and frustrated with God when He doesn't answer the prayers we prayed for or helped heal, protect, or save the people we love. While it may seem that God abandons us during these times of darkness, I believe that He manifests Himself in a different way.

All of my life I thought God was punishing me for being a bad person. Even though I prayed to Jesus all the time, and loved Him so much, I started to began to think that He didn't listen to me or care for me. When I was in 3rd grade, I realized that I didn't really fit in with the rest of my peers. I struggled with friendships all the way until my senior year of high school. I never felt "good" enough, "cool" enough, or accepted among my peers. I constantly battled the popularity battle field, only to be trampled and beat to the ground. My self esteem dwindled away and no longer served as my shield of protection. Throughout the same time frame, I battle with a lot of deaths, depression, and suicide. I had many tragic deaths in the family, which ironically drew me closer to God. Somewhere along the path though, I began to wonder away from the Lord. I was tired of praying to Him for help and tired of trying to please Him. It wasn't like He listened to my prayers anyways. As I wondered away from Him, a huge cloud of guilt began to build up over me. It shadowed my path and fogged up my ability to function normally.

My eating disorder skyrocketed during the summer between my sophomore and junior year; my disorder served as a punishment to myself for the “sinful” and “bad” person I had become. I completely despised myself, and thought I could renew myself by constructing a completely new person. My mental state become very skewed during this time, and I lost touch with reality. It was like I was living in a dark well all by myself. Friends tried to pull me out by throwing me ropes, but I resisted coming out of the water I was drowning in. I felt safe in my well and in the routine of my newly constructed self. I shut out every relationship in my life and dove deep into my own self.

It was during the lowest parts of my eating disorder that I really felt God in my life. I actually loved going to church by myself; I felt God speaking to me through every song, every prayer, and every scripture. Tears often filled my eyes as I listened to God speak to my heart. I started to grow close to my mom during this period in my life as she tried to pull my out of the pool I was drowning in; she was my rock to which I could step upon for support and continued to guide me back to myself by comforting me when I felt alone, scared, or weak.

My recovery from Anorexia was a journey of rediscovering myself, my relationship with Christ, and my purpose in the world. I do not look at my disorder as something to be feared or ashamed, but find it a growing experience in my life that needs to be shared with others. I am able to help others relate to not be ashamed of their own dark experiences. I also find that people are more inclined to open up to the reality of their experiences and to share in our human connection at a deeper level. My battles with depression and anorexia have led me on a path towards helping others that struggle with these disorders, and I have chosen to study psychology and dietetics throughout my college education for this sole purpose.


I no longer view my suffering as something God was trying to punish me for and do not regret the mistakes I have made; these were all opportunities for me to learn more about myself and my relationship with God. I see my suffering as a blessing and a calling to break my heart open to let God into my life. With suffering, I can choose to walk by faith and internalize my experiences or I can take the easy way out by skimming the surface. When I allow myself to dive in and understand the meaning of the darkness, I move myself closer to my vocation and relationship with God. The people that have been a part of my journey have either been there to guide me back on my path, or have been walking beside me holding my hand. I see the people that have tried to lead me astray on my journey as people placed there by God for me to hold their hand and be the role model. I believe that it is part of God’s plan for me to reach out to those that need new directions on their spiritual journey.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4



Today was my first day volunteering at Assumption Nursing Home in Cold Spring, MN. Upon arriving at the site, I was given a tour around the nursing home visiting and met several of the residents. I have chosen to volunteer within the spiritual care aspect of Assumption Home since I really wanted a chance to interact with residents and allow let God to structure the activities and conversations throughout my visits.

I was introduced to some of the residents with severe Alzheimer's disease; they both broke my heart. One lady was so kind and told me that I have a “nice face.” She would have conversations with us that did not make sense, and she would even be talking to us and answering questions when we were in the room next door talking to the other lady with Alzheimer’s. The second lady we visited started talking to us about her parents, and then she started to mumble and ask questions that did not make sense. Out of nowhere she started to cry and mumbled more words under her breath. I wanted to reach down and comfort her because my heart just broke into pieces. What was God trying to tell me through this woman that was confused and sad? Was He trying to tell me that we are children of God, even when we don’t have the words or thoughts to clearly speak what we feel inside?

The next few ladies I encountered also were experiencing a form of dementia. One of the ladies was like a child; she was so sly and very observant. I liked her witty personality. Another lady asked me about 20 times while I was there, “When will I get to go home?” I had to kindly remind her that this was her home now and that it seems like a very nice place to live. It broke my heart thinking about how many of these elderly people won’t ever return back to their homes, and thought about how distressing that must be for them. So many of the people just wanted to be home and with their families. The lady that kept asking me about her home would then ask me about her son and if he was okay. I was told by the staff that her son is in a group home and visits every Saturday. The little old lady would ask me over and over if he was satisfied at his group home. I could sense this lady’s worry for her baby and how she wanted to make sure he was happy; I imagine that she was a good mother to her son and is probably heartbroken that she cannot care for him anymore.
Finally today, I met a 96 year old woman that brought tears to my eyes. She was so beautiful and appeared pretty healthy. The first thing I said when I was told her age, “Wow! You look great!” and she responded, “Everyone says that!” I was amazed by how coherent and so healthy this lady was! She showed no sign of old age besides that she couldn’t walk and had a physical appearance of an old lady, but her mind was sharp and she was able to communicate with me well. I spent the rest of my visiting hours with this little lady; she was not having a good day and was feeling pretty sad. I think she may have been crying before I came into the room because she kept whipping her nose and eyes with the tissue in her hand. I asked her why she was so sad, but never got a clear response. I touched her hand and gave it a gentle rub; there was no need for words.

I told her she was blessed to be so healthy at such an age, and she reputed with, “I can’t walk anymore.” I kindly reminded her that she has gotten to witness all her kids growing up and that is pretty special. I told her about my grandma passing at such a young age and how she will miss the chance to be at my graduation, my wedding, and meet my future kids. The lady seemed to cheer up a bit as she recalled all the great things she has been able to do and see during her lifetime. I picked up some pictures on her dresser and asked who the people were, and she told me all about her family. I learned a lot about my little friend today, and I sense that we will share in many more conversations as I continue my service at Assumption.

Today, God spoke to me in different ways. He spoke to me through the sick, the lonely, and the dying. He showed me a kind reminder that our days on Earth are really short; that the days go fast and that while 96 may seem like a very old age, it really isn’t that old. Morning rises and dawn comes sooner than you know it; 22 years of my life have already zipped by, and I imagine that they days don’t ever slow down. Rather than wishing the days away, I am better of enjoying each breath I take, each beat of my heart, and each chance I have to worship the Lord because today is a gift that I will never have again.

Changing My Perspective on Life

Over Christmas break, I went on a mission trip to Haiti with a mission my aunt and uncle started five years ago called Healing Haiti. Throughout the mission trip, I was able to do things and see things I never thought possible. I held a 3 month old baby that weighed 1.5 pounds, brought clean water to the poorest and most dangerous slum in Haiti, and play with kids that had no shoes, no clothes, and were infected with parasites, disease, and malnutrition. God broke my heart in Haiti, filled it with His love, and has given me a deeper meaning to life. I no longer feel a need to seek out superficial pleasures to fill those empty spaces in my heart, but rather feel the need to share the talents and gifts I have been given with those in need. The letter below is something I wrote to myself during my trip to be a reminder of how answering the callings God places on my heart can lead me towards fulfillment.

Remember me? It is me, the one that you held at Gertrude's orphanage for the disabled and mentally handicapped children. You smiled at me, held me in your hands, and loved me even though I was rejected from society. It is me, the one you danced, sang, and played with in the streets covered with garbage, dirt, and poverty. You held my hand, even though it was covered with dirt, and you played with me even though I had no clothes on. Remember me? I was the little child at Mother Teresa's that you rocked in your arms and that you fed nourishing food to. Even though I was sick with disease, you comforted me. Remember me? I was the child that had no parents or family to care for me except for the orphanages that took me in. You visited me when no one else would. You played with me, listened to me sing, and nourished my needs.
Remember me? You cared for me, loved me, and served me when no one else would. It was me, God, looking through the eyes of these people you were serving. I had no clothes and you clothed me. I had no food and you gave me nourishment. I had no drink and you gave me water. And while you did all this serving the least of those, you were serving me.

When you start seeing God in the sick, the poverished, the lonely, the disabled, and the hungry you can open your hearts to a truly deeper understanding of life. It's so easy to get caught up in the little details of life, the petty drama among friends, and the materialistic aspects of our American culture. It’s so easy to put yourself first and to live your life comfortably. However, if you allow yourself to see God in every one's eyes and to live selflessly, you become blessed with God's abundant love. Searching to fill that void in your heart ceases as it becomes filled with pure joy. I challenge you to reflect upon your life and the choices you make to see how living life for yourself rather than for others impacts the world around you. I challenge you to give more of yourself and to use the gifts God has given you to help those in need. Your time on Earth is short, so choose wisely what you do with it. Your choices will impact your eternity.